The Colors of Onions

“Make new friends but keep the old; one is silver and the other gold.”  Maybe you, too, sang this tune around a campfire, enjoying camaraderie and s’mores at the end of an activity-filled day.  My Scout leaders were trying to instill some sense of loyalty and life lesson through the words of a simple song, but as 7, 8 or 9-year olds, our friendship feelings were easily hurt and our BFF changed frequently.  

We have different circles of friends who, like an onion, represent different layers of closeness.  Acquaintance is a lovely word as is colleague; they each have important role in our lives.  But silver and gold are the core.  Most people I know have assembled a core family-of-the-heart because they are separated from their blood family by miles or lack of deep connection. 

These silver and gold family-of-the-heart friends are the handful of people to whom we reveal our true selves and are still loved.  This group can include family-of-origin folks and people we rarely see but who would be there in a minute if we needed them.   To me family-of-the-heart also means that we share some core values but challenge one another in our thinking and that we laugh at many of the same things.  We travel with these friends on journeys of fun and learning and through the difficult internal explorations of pain and discovery.

In the last few years I’ve lost 4 of my family-of-the-heart members; two died, one suddenly and the other after months of pain, discomfort and frustration.  The loss of the other two came from a different kind of death, the kind where they remove themselves from your life.  As they closed the door on our friendship we hurt and lost one another but the grief is the same – they once were there and now they are gone. 

One silver friend says that in her experience these people may come back.  Perhaps.  

My oldest golden friend is from college and lives a couple of hours away.  Another one close-by is busy with her class reunion.  She’s still connected to people from elementary school.  That's sterling.  The circles do undergo some natural changes.   Major transitions such as marriage, divorce, or career paths cause shifts. One friend recently met someone special and is working on the delicate balance of gold and a whole new bracelet of silver while another is talking a major across-the-country move.

You never know where a new friend will be found or what that friendship will lead to.  In spring I attended a wedding that was silver of sorts; the bride was 74 and the groom, 85.  Music was their original connection and they called themselves ‘concert friends.’  The friendship blossomed and now a new family exists.   

Whether silver or gold, I treasure my family-of-the-heart.  To those reading this musing, thank you for who you are and all you bring to my life. 

Why not check in with your own precious metals?   Some may need a bit of polishing.

Marilyn