With a Lot of Help from My Friends

If you ever need a helping hand, remember it is at the end of your arm.  As you get older, remember you have another hand.  The first is to help yourself; the second is to help others.  Audrey Hepburn

Two of the incorrect but understandable messages of the early women’s movement were that we could ‘have it all’ and that we could ‘do it all.’  With maturity we learned collectively and individually that neither are true when you get below the surface.  Turns out having it all means sacrifices and difficult choices and doing it all means not necessarily doing it alone. 

Armand Gamache, Louise Penny’s lead character in a series of intriguing mysteries set in Quebec, learned a key lesson from his mentor which he passes on to those he supervises.  The lesson?  Four sentences which lead to wisdom: I’m sorry.  I was wrong.  I need help.  I don’t know.

I need help.  Such a short sentence but often so hard to say.  

It hasn’t been wisdom that has driven me to utter those words.  It has been practicality, desperation, or previous good experiences.  I have learned that input from even just one other person can make my idea better and that an additional pair of hands makes a challenging task easier.  When writing my book a huge step in the process was turning the manuscript over to my editor.  Yes, while it was thrilling to say the words “my editor,” it also meant someone would be messing with my words.  The final product is better because he did his job well, because I learned to value his input, and because at times we both said “I need help” tightening up a particular passage.

My recent “I need help” was for my move and here are some of the results:

• 11 women came to a packing party and in nearly 5 hours completed almost all of the packing that needed to be done and certainly all that could have been done 9 days before the actual move. And as they laughed and listened to my stories about a particular item, 3 women had to be told not to come because we had no more room for helpers and because the work was mostly done.
• Offers for meals at the end of long stressful days
• Colleagues carried boxes from their house to the office for me to take home
• 4 people did an early schlep of kitchen and miscellaneous items to help make things easier on moving day
• Someone paid for the move to lessen the financial stress
• 5 people helped unpack and 2 people needed boxes so cardboard got recycled
• 3 people are storing stuff that I just wanted out of the house for awhile
• Those that couldn’t participate offered encouraging words

The Greek philosopher, Epicurus said, “it is not so much our friends’ help that helps us.  It is the confidence of their help.”  While it was lovely that the tasks got done (and I realize I could not have handled this transition without their sweat equity,) what matters most is that they came, they called, they listened, they hugged before they lugged.  What matters is the connection as a response to the “I need help.” 

Can you ask for help?  Serious help beyond the, “honey, come here for a minute and hold the ladder” type help?  I don’t know if it actually gets easier with time.  It can still seem like we are lacking something essential in ourselves.  I do know that while occasionally asking for help is a necessity to get a task done, and that as I mentioned above it results in a finer product, it is essential to growth and to healthy relationships.  It enables us to share our true selves and to be less alone.

Marilyn