But that's not what I meant!

Did you ever want to take back a sentence the moment you said it?  Or an email as soon as you hit Send?  Or know that even with lots of explanations and apologies some damage was done to a relationship?  Did a comment ever backfire or get blown all out of proportion?  At such times I have found it helpful to invoke the ‘intent vs. impact’ concept, recognizing that the outcome was not what was intended and sometimes couldn’t even have been anticipated.

Could Henry Ford have predicted all of the impacts that the automobile has had on society and the globe?  Did Ted Turner know what 24/7 news and entertainment would do to our culture? A friend offered some young people an expensive camera and no one wanted it because the pictures were not instant. Did all the smartphone companies foresee the consequences of all of their apps on other industries?

People in authority – bosses, teachers, parents, leaders – often do not know how deep-seeded an impact can go.  When I was six and had to have my tonsils out, I went to Children’s Hospital in Buffalo.  In those days you stayed overnight in a ward.  Boys and girls of various ages filled at least 12 beds.  As evening approached my mother looked at me and said, “I know all the others have their mother staying with them overnight, but you don’t need me to be here, do you.”  It was a statement, not a question, and I’m sure she was trying to indicate that I shouldn’t be afraid (because she probably was afraid enough for the both of us), but the whole experience of being alone in the hospital had a profound impact on me.

Even casual interactions can fall under the intent vs. impact lens.  Just the other day 2 friends and I were in the local Panera for our weekly shared meal.  There was lots of laughter at our table that particular frigid evening.  Another customer was leaving but stopped by on her way out to comment that we were sure having a good time.  Had she left then, all would have been fine, but she went on to say that she wished her mother had friends like we obviously were, but she’d had to put her mother in assisted living and now she was lonely.  To be fair, I’ll bet that she thought her whole conversation was a complement, but when she went on her way, we three looked at each other with a ‘huh?’ We wondered how old she thought we were and should we start dying our hair.

In these days of virtual marketing and social media, we’ve seen ad campaigns go terribly wrong (just Google that for fun) and companies try to take advantage of a hot news item in ways that turn out to offend the public.  Of course, occasionally we’re lucky and the impact is positive, although more likely than not, we never know about those times, about how those smiles and words of encouragement came at just the right moment.

If age has taught me anything about intent vs. impact, it is to offer a sincere apology when the impact is bad, to graciously ask to start over with a, “if you’ll allow me, this is what I should have said/done…” and to hope that it comes out right the second time.  Oh, and then to let it go, otherwise the impact on you can get out of proportion as well.

Marilyn