We Don't Have to Get Old

My dad enjoyed serving as an usher at church. That meant that he welcomed parishioners and guests, handed them that day’s bulletin, showed them to seats, and helped pass the collection plate. One Sunday he got very confused during the collection. Others stepped in to help and the service continued, but that day marked a turning point in my parent’s lives. My mother was embarrassed. This event made public her evolving reality and somehow having others witness it made it more real. Dad had Parkinson’s and dementia. He had been a very active 70 year-old, but on that difficult day he was a very old 75. While they continued to attend church, Dad never served as an usher again.

When my mother called to tell me of the incident she told me she yelled at dad when they got home. He had no recollection and didn’t understand their conversation or her anger. Neither did I, really. It took me a long time to realize that her anger and embarrassment covered up her fears and her grief. I’m not sure that I fully understood it – or forgave her – while she was alive. Such wisdom comes with our own aging.

I am blessed to have friends in their twenties and a cherished one who is 96 and mostly going strong.  Those to whom I am closest are in their 50s, 60s, and 70s. We are aging, and without lots of personal role models like my elderly neighbor. Some of those friends and I have an agreement that we will confront one another when we see alarming things in the other person. I hope that we will do that, hard though it will be. And, I stress, I am not writing about this because I see tendencies in anyone. Yet. Unfortunately, the time will come. For a loved one to talk to me.  For me to talk to someone. It will take courage on all parts. I pray we will have the grace for those conversations when they are needed.

Meanwhile, today, let’s celebrate aging. Whether you are young, middling, or considered a senior, until our essence fades away, remember what George Burns said, “You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old.”

Marilyn