All hands on deck

There are times in our lives when we need all hands on deck. A situation arises, whether at home, work or in the neighborhood, when we rally all co-workers, family and friends or even call in reinforcements to get something accomplished quickly or to keep what is cherished safe. On Saturday, I had twenty hands on deck to help pack up all my belongings in preparation for my move this week.

Two moves ago I realized I just couldn't do all the packing myself, so I threw a packing party. Friends were invited to stop by and pack one box or stay the whole five hours. At the end of the afternoon everything was done and I hadn't packed one box. To me, there now is no other way to handle a move. 

My job for this particular all-hands-on-deck situation is three-fold. First, I have to do the prep work. Besides required resources like boxes, tape, newspapers, bubble wrap, scissors and markers gathered in readiness, prep also involved four trips to Goodwill. That means I got unnecessary things or what could be distractions out of the way. Prep means organizing and thinking about the how and where boxes could be easily assembled and planning for sufficient work space. Oh, and, of course refreshments, although this time workers even provided most of that.

During the party my job was to provide some direction and answer questions. To tell stories about a certain item as it was being wrapped in newspapers. To make sure that people weren't doing too much, that we took occasional breathers, that there was camaraderie. As folks left throughout the day or at 4:30 p.m., when all 75 boxes were taped and labeled, they went home with a sense of accomplishment. I'm sure we all slept soundly. 

Which brings me to the last part of my job, which is the acknowledgement. G.K. Chesterton wrote, "When it comes to life, the critical thing is whether you take things for granted or take them with gratitude." I may have taken for granted that some and enough folks would show up to get the work done, but it is was with profound gratitude that I opened the door to greet them and then, after their labor, sent them on their way. But allow me to say again, to Kathy, Sue, Sharon, Donna, Ruth, Rose, Suzy, Nydia, Marilyn and Cindy, thank you for being my friend and for your all hands on deck attitude. My life is richer because you are in it.

Now there are those who can't imagine handling their packing this way. That's fine, but I challenge you to find an all-hands-on-deck event of your own making. It's much better than an emergency forcing one's hand. These come-together times are rewarding, heartwarming and reassuring.

Oh, un-packing is this coming weekend. All hands are welcome!

Marilyn

Slamming on the brakes

We’ve all sent up a prayer of thanks or breathed a sigh of relief when our car did not plow into the vehicle in front of us. Not long ago I did just that one morning driving to work on the Eisenhower Expressway. I was doubly thankful when I looked in the rearview mirror and saw that the driver behind me had pulled over to the shoulder. Often we never learn the reason for the chain reaction, and we are simply glad when everyone can stop holding tight to the steering wheel and move forward again.

As a driver, it is something outside our car, like a dog running across the road or the stopped car ahead that makes us slam on the brakes. In other areas of our lives, it is usually something internal that triggers an alert to the need for such an action. Unfortunately, we usually ignore the signs and continue moving. We remain in a relationship or continue taking a project in one direction. When needing comfort or to fill the boredom, we shop, or eat or drink, or turn to electronic distractions. We do what we can to numb our feelings, escape our situation, fill our time. We cause our own chain reaction. Day after day, night after night, we stay on autopilot on the same road, even when our brain and our common sense tell us to slam on the brakes. Our instinct, our habits, our fear tell us to keep moving, even knowing we are going in a circle. Outsiders call it self-destructive. We call it self-preservation.

Collectively we have allowed others to slam on the brakes on equality, justice and doing what is right. While we may be touched by the picture of a 5-year old being carried from the rubble, disturbed by flooding in one city and fires in another, mostly we are numb to images and stories. We may go as far as writing a check or clicking a button to donate, but we’ve come to believe the situations are too complex for any solutions.

When I say ‘we,’ I’m describing my reactions most of the time, but I think many of you are in the same lane with me. We have forgotten that ‘we, the people’ are in the driver’s seat and it’s time to get moving forward, not circling the same block. Let’s take our feet off the brakes.

Marilyn

 

What big ears you have

Has there been someone in your life who truly listened to you? I mean the grandma, the lover, the friend who just let you talk and didn't:

·         Tell you what to do
·         Say that had also happened to them 
·         Have a better or worse story
·         Try to problem solve
·         Multitask while you talked
·         Seem rushed
·         Compare your experience to someone else’s
·         Minimize your feelings

No, they just gave you 100% of their attention and let you talk. When you ran out of breath or out of story, they remained quiet for a second, just in case you hadn't finished. Then they patted your hand, or gave you a hug, or asked a key question that kept the focus on you, something like, "What do you want to do about that?"

We can take classes on communications, but topics are limited to the creative and origination aspect, not on how to receive information. Unless you are studying things like psychology or social work, there is no required class on listening. Our natural inclination is to do the things on the list above. The sad impact is that when we do them, we are discounting the speaker's experience and not really listening. 

Listening is learned while doing the job of living. It is a skill that can be honed at any age. I was in my 40s when I was confronted by the concept of and need for effective listening. I was embarrassed to realize that I did all of the things on the list. All of the time. My personal go-to 'help' when listening is to problem solve. While I now try to not jump in with solutions, it's hard. 

It's a rare gift to have someone really listen to you. While I think this has always been true, listening seems a more valuable skill now, when silence and time are at a premium. There is a difference between listening and hearing. One is a sense that either we have or do not have, and even if we have it, as we age we can lose it. The other is a conscious act. We might say, “I heard you!” meaning that I comprehended what you were saying. But, what we are really saying is that “I was listening and understand both what you said and what you meant.” Luckily you don’t need big ears to listen. Just a big heart.

Marilyn

Endorsements

It's a year where we are bombarded day after day with this word and the images each situation evokes. Traditionally, political candidates look for, even expect others with a similar view, to stand with them and to oppose those running on a different platform. Viewers see logos and brand names or hear the slogans of companies sponsoring athletes or athletic events or outdoor music venues. 

Businesses depend on brand loyalty. Such a concept of loyalty probably goes back to our cave dwelling days of following who could bring in the most provisions, protect the entrance or make fire the quickest. We toss our lot to or behind who we consider the strongest, the best. Originally it was probably the biggest until we realized that clever, guile, or intellect might overpower the goliath. 

One problem today is that endorsements come easy. After each Uber ride you have to rate your driver. “Take our survey and receive a reward” are emails from places we frequent. Consumers are encouraged to comment on their good experiences on Yelp and other social platforms, while business owners take the time to tally the good and respond to the bad. I’ve been researching moving companies and have discovered satisfied and unsatisfied customers for each one.

Our good will, our dollars and our votes matter. In reading those reviews I pay more attention to the positive because one is less motivated to share the positive over the negative. Boycotts of products or companies can work. Sea World recently announced it is phasing out its orca breeding program and shows. Companies that utilize sweatshops or blatant deforestation methods around the globe have been hit hard and have usually caved in to the demands of advocates after losing millions of dollars.

I’ve been listening to interviews with people who say they are too disgusted with this election season and plan on not voting. While I will admit to currently being disengaged from the political drama beyond the headlines, closer to November I certainly will be investigating the less dramatic seats up for contention locally before casting my ballot. The voting booth is not the place for a boycott. It is a place for using our voice as a thoughtful endorsement, much more important than which celebrity uses which shampoo.

Marilyn