· Tell you what to do
· Say that had also happened to them
· Have a better or worse story
· Try to problem solve
· Multitask while you talked
· Seem rushed
· Compare your experience to someone else’s
· Minimize your feelings
No, they just gave you 100% of their attention and let you
talk. When you ran out of breath or out of story, they remained quiet for a
second, just in case you hadn't finished. Then they patted your hand, or gave
you a hug, or asked a key question that kept the focus on you, something like,
"What do you want to do about that?"
We can take classes on communications, but topics are limited
to the creative and origination aspect, not on how to receive information.
Unless you are studying things like psychology or social work, there is no
required class on listening. Our natural inclination is to do the things
on the list above. The sad impact is that when we do them, we are
discounting the speaker's experience and not really listening.
Listening is learned while doing the job of living. It is a
skill that can be honed at any age. I was in my 40s when I was confronted by
the concept of and need for effective listening. I was embarrassed to realize
that I did all of the things on the list. All of the time. My personal go-to 'help'
when listening is to problem solve. While I now try to not jump in with
solutions, it's hard.
It's a rare gift to have someone really listen to you. While
I think this has always been true, listening seems a more valuable skill now,
when silence and time are at a premium. There is a difference between listening
and hearing. One is a sense that either we have or do not have, and even if we
have it, as we age we can lose it. The other is a conscious act. We might say, “I
heard you!” meaning that I comprehended what you were saying. But, what we are
really saying is that “I was listening and understand both what you said and
what you meant.” Luckily you don’t need big ears to listen. Just a big heart.
Marilyn
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