Around the table

It is season when we spend a lot of time around tables. The table itself is symbolic and may be real or implied and the analogy has to be modified because technology enables our tables to be continents and time zones apart. Around the table we enjoy or tolerate co-workers, family of origin and family of the heart.

We gather at an altar to worship. We gather in dining rooms, kitchens and restaurants to share a meal. We gather to simply be together, to fight loneliness, to celebrate, to remember. We gather out of tradition, because of duty, because it is expected. We gather in spite of. 

Some gather for the annual bird count or the annual team rivalry. Cousins will teach a new recipient of Chutes and Ladders how to play and in another part of the house, whatever is trendy will be projected on the huge or laptop screen. For a while the men will gather in one room and women in another. It may be baby's first Christmas or grandpa's last Hanukkah. I remember a year where I returned to Buffalo with the thought that either my brother or father wouldn't be there the following year.

Life being what it is, some will gather around a graveside, new or old, but all our gatherings include saints and ghosts. Sometimes we acknowledge their presence, like at a company I once worked for that left an empty chair at the table for a founder who died suddenly. Some we allow to haunt benevolently but others we need to exorcise, and perhaps plan to not set a space for them next year.

Diplomats line up across a table and more meet in strategy rooms. Cowboys, shepherds, refugees and soldiers sit around a camp fire and the incarcerated in cells. Meals on Wheels will drop off food and greet the recipient who may then sit at a TV table alone. Fathers will sit at small tables to enjoy imaginary tea with their daughters.

Think about all the "tables" at which you sat this year and what made it unique. Think about where you will soon be a guest or a host and see if there is anyone else you need to invite to pull up a chair to make it a richer experience. Then do it.

Marilyn

Test drives

In the past month I test drove four cars. The prospect of walking into a dealership with the possibility of buying a car is intimidating, at least for most people I know, and particularly for women. In three of the four instances as I walked in, there were at least four men standing not exactly in a line, kind of waiting for their next victim. I decided to take control from the beginning."I don't care which of you helps me. I'd like to test drive a ____," is what I said when I looked at the line of salesmen.

Driving three cars that were very different from what I've been used to, got me thinking about other things we try on in life to see what works best for us. There are the dressing rooms where we check out sizes and colors and materials and styles of clothing before making a purchase. Play dates help kids have fun and also begin to figure out who might and might not become good friends. Dating and all the rituals associated with that introduces us to different types of potential mates or special relationships. An engagement takes a couple to another level before the commitment of marriage. 

Internships give young people a chance to check out a company or an industry to see if what they think they would like to pursue as a career is really a good match. Internships also allow a company to see if the candidate not only has the needed skills, but is also a good fit in the organization's culture. At the other end of one's work life, reducing hours to part time lets us begin to experience what retirement might be like.

When we prepare to move, we may drive through different neighborhoods at various times of day to get a sense of what living there might be like. Then, as we settle in to a new home, we check out all the local haunts until we find our favorite stores and restaurants. Some even do church shopping until they find the one or ones that fit for where they are in their faith journey. Oh, and as we decorate that new home, there are now test cans of paint so we can see how a particular color looks on a wall or in a room.

Sometimes we let others take the test drive for us. Before spending time and money on a movie or at the theater or a restaurant, we read reviews. With experience, we learn whose opinion we tend to trust. Of course, there are times when we just want to see a movie and go regardless of what the experts said. Chefs and cooks taste what they are making as they go along. Quality control assures that items on the manufacturing line pass the necessary tests. 

As I read this to see what a new reader might take away from their test drive of my writing, I realized there were three options to bring this to a close. One is a reminder this season to be grateful that we are in a place where we have opportunity to test drive so many areas of our lives even as we remember those who do not. The second is to issue a challenge to us all to plan to test drive something new in the coming months. Whether it is trying a new genre of book, a new exercise regimen or a new social venture, take a test drive that stretches your world. Oh, finally, what was the result of all my car shopping? I bought an electric blue VW beetle! 

Marilyn

Counting pennies

When I was in sixth grade, my dad added a new hobby to his resume. He became a coin collector. I don't know how he managed it, but every night after dinner he would have a pocketful of change to put on the table. Out would come his magnifying glass and some reference material. Each coin would be carefully examined and sorted. He ultimately had some interesting collections, such as pennies and nickels from every year.

I learned several lessons from watching my dad count pennies through three decades. First, I saw that one is never too told to start something new. Because my parents had me late in life, my perception of them always had been that they were old, and here he was taking up something new. Now, he would have been in his mid-fifties when he became a numismatist, so perhaps it is due to this that I started exploring the artistic side of myself and took so many art classes at that time in my own life.

Taking advantage of another one of his interests, he built boxes to store and to showcase various treasures. From that I saw what it was to integrate important pieces of who we are. While there can be a need to compartmentalize areas of our lives, we can also seek to blend them. When company came over he was anxious to bring out his latest creation, eager to have others share in his interest, and, I think, to be affirmed. His self esteem was low, mostly due to having to drop out of school after the 8th grade to help on the farm. Because my father was well loved, I saw most people patiently give him accolades for his accomplishment and passion.

Sometimes he let me help him sort and catalog, so I experienced a pleasure in a joint activity and learned that we do not have to always do things that bring us joy on our own. Up until this new hobby I never saw my dad read anything other than the newspaper, but soon different magazines appeared on the table by his chair. I saw that we may need to invest more than time to develop an interest and that we need to learn and study.

When he could no longer enjoy or safely operate his saw and tools on his workbench or hold a paintbrush steady, he could still count pennies. Each time my parents came to visit I had a couple of jars filled with coins, and it was my dining room table he then sat at to sort and package, even though his hands shook from Parkinson's disease. I saw sadness and triumph when he completed a roll of 50 pennies and folded the flaps.

His most exciting find was a 1941 dime that, due to a die printing error, had a 2 over the 1. He cherished the thrill of that discovery for several years and then sold it for more than $300 and bought my mother a mink stole. From that I saw that often it is better to use and to share rather than to hoard. I also learned to keep trying because there might be a surprise in the next coin examined. As I look back, I see that you never know what you are modeling to the next generation. I know that he would chuckle to read that I learned something more than just about coin collecting by watching him all those years. 

You might have thought that I was going to talk about how concerned I am that those in charge of our state and country are men who may be able to read a Profit & Loss statement but who never personally had to count pennies in order to meet their monthly bills and who appear to have no empathy for those who must do that all their lives. That was too obvious.

Marilyn

I've got your number

When I was a a youngster trying out some childish trick on my Uncle Bob, he would wink, give a sly grin while pointing a finger at me and say, "I've got your number!" He understood I was trying to pull something over on him. Last week I responded to a salesperson offering some type of service for the office with, 'Yes, well, if we ever need it, I've got your number." Whether used professionally or personally, when that phrase is said in that tone or those circumstances, both parties know the piece of paper or business card with the number on it will usually be thrown away. However, there are those rare times when numbers have been exchanged and when the feeling is, "I've got your number. Would 5 minutes from now be soon to call?" indicating romance, excitement and possibilities.

As an adult, we look at others and say, like my Uncle Bob, "I've got your number" with the thought that I've got you figured out, I know what you are trying to do, what motivates you or how you will react. During the recent campaign everyone looked at each of the candidates and concluded, "I've got your number!" After looking at who is now our president-elect, more people voted for an alternative than for him. Unfortunately, from my perspective, where all those votes were cast provides a sad lesson in civics. 

Regardless of who was elected, a large portion of the population would always continue to hold to the "I've got your number" philosophy and look for indications and evidence they were right, that the winner is indeed a trickster. Had Hillary won, someone else would be writing a blog similar to this. But now I am among those who are saying "I've got your number" and I'm concerned. A problem when I think I have someone's number - or they think they have mine - is that after a few instances that prove our initial belief, we put that person in a box. We don't allow them to easily change or even challenge them to do so. If someone who has my number suggests ever so gently that I might try something different, I probably don't make it easy for them, or vice versa, because, after all we've got each others' numbers.

So, our collective problem may become complacency when what we need to be is over-diligent and pay careful, thoughtful and close attention to identify the tricks we sense in the works and let him know he can't get away with it. I hope to see headlines in prominent papers and hear mainstream reporters call a lie, a lie. I want respected and knowledgable pundits to watch equally all the balls in the air, not just where an arrow of misdirection might point at the moment. I want the energy to engage, for I think we will tire very quickly of having to react to every oversimplification, claim and outrageous promise that underscores that we have his number.

But I also hope to see and hear accolades where deserved. While I expect those to be few, I do have faith in the process and that individuals can rise to the occasion. After all, he looks at us and thinks, "You think you've got my number, but I've got yours and I may just surprise you." 

I hope so.

Marilyn

It seems unlikely

We are entering a season of unlikelys. For those who believe in the Jesus story of Christmas, an unlikely teenage girl had an unlikely visitor who told her of an unlikely happening. Hanukkah marks the story of the unlikely eight days of candlelight with only a one-day supply. Finally, how likely is it that one saint can circumnavigate the globe and find every home where there is a child?

All of this we anticipate after two other recent unlikelys. A City in desperate need of good news and camaraderie celebrated a so long wished for unlikely ending of a 108 year old curse. A disturbing, tiring and unlikely election has highlighted the multitude of divisions and differences in our country instead of asking us to look for what we have in common.

It is unlikely that the complex problems we face today on every front will have easy solutions. Many children will spend this Christmas in poverty, in refugee camps, in fear. Many families will continue to scramble to make ends meet even as they light their menorah. Letters that plead for unlikely presents will be sent to Santa. Think of any area of your own life or our society, and I'll bet you would be able to complete the sentence, "It seems unlikely that..."

But, we will sing the familiar tunes, give and receive gifts and hugs, drop a dollar in a red kettle, wear red and green and blue. We will take comfort in the familiar as we listen to the unlikely stories of this season. We will recognize that the unlikely girl did not balk at the unlikely story and responded in the affirmative. We will honor the rededication of the temple with a festival of lights. We will celebrate a saint who has morphed into someone who represents a spirit of giving. 

Miracles, all. 

Let's look for the unlikely in our own lives this coming month. And, let's be someone else's unlikely small miracle. Whether it's shoveling snow off a neighbor's sidewalk, sending a note to someone who is homebound or building a bridge to an estranged family member, each small gesture contributes toward the unlikely day when the lion will lie down with the lamb. It seems unlikely, but I believe that can happen.

Marilyn

When the words don't come

According to some studies, the second most common fear is of public speaking, ranking just behind the fear of flying. What can make us nervous, beyond hundreds of eyes on us, is the thought of getting tongue-tied. Whether it is a piece we've memorized or words on a paper in front of us, we know that things can go wrong and we can end up feeling foolish and embarrassed. Even the suggestion of picturing the people in the audience in their underwear doesn't minimize the panic that the words won’t come.

Most of us are not called upon very often to be at a podium. It's in our one-on-one daily dealings when we can struggle to string together the right words. Whether spoken or written, we can stumble trying to say what we want to say. Words of comfort. Words of guidance. Words of encouragement.

The last few years many of us have added the phrase "senior moment" to our conversation, sometimes to cover when the word we are thinking of or someone’s name just isn't at our fingertips. We know it's there, on the tip of our tongue, but remains elusive for a few moments or throughout the conversation. While such experiences can be a precursor to dementia, mostly it's the stress of our lives and pressure we put on ourselves that makes words and names elusive. Hours later we think of the perfect comeback, a great punchline, a main point we forgot to make, or the name. I try to give myself grace in these circumstances and not beat myself up or get further stressed, and hope you do also.

When I have writer's block, like for this musing or the hardest for me – sympathy cards and performance reviews – I find many errands or tasks that are absolutely necessary distractions. Then, when I return to the keyboard, I can end up going off on many tangents. Some can turn out to be more interesting than where I started and are fodder for future writings. At some point something clicks and the words do come, or I try certain exercises, or I realize I've said all there is to say….

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, forget what you did, but will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou

Marilyn

E-signs

Sometimes I take Madison Ave. to work. It's a four lane highway and a straight shot into the West Loop. A left turn onto Ogden and another left onto Randolph and I'm at the office. I drive through neighborhoods that have struggled for decades and ones experiencing gentrification. I go past the United Center with statues of Michael Jordan and Bobby Hull. There are hospitals to my right and townhomes to the left. Recently I started paying attention to signs and billboards, particularly when the first word started with the letter E. I found such signs fell into two categories: things I was offered and things I should do.

Express was the word that actually started this line of thinking. The sign for Express Beauty made me chuckle since, in my opinion, true beauty takes decades and doesn't come in a jar or in minutes. In fact, the only express beauty I know is out in nature when I see the sun rise or set over the horizon or a rainbow appears. A couple miles down the road I’m offered Express Liquors. Again, I'm out of sync, for even with the little imbibing that I do, I know spirits are something to be savored, not gulped, even if you can purchase them quickly. Besides those express things, along the way I can choose Economy parking or an Exclusive cellular experience.

During recent weeks signs on this route encouraged me to Elect certain candidates (mostly Danny Davis who was in no danger of losing). If we exclude those signs, I am exhorted to Educate, Evangelize and Enhance. No surprise that Educate is on a sign for a day care center and Evangelize, a storefront church, but it's my nails I'm supposed to Enhance.

Just two weeks ago billboards were euphoric as we reveled in a Cubs win that brought people together, had strangers celebrating and singing in the el cars. Now we need signs to inspire us to be Energized as we prepare for an Ending. Luckily, with an ending, we can mold a beginning. Every day we can get up, put one foot in front of the other. We can find the energy to Engage, one on one, and work for change. We will Endure.

Marilyn