In-between (second in a trilogy)

We spend most of our lives in-between.  Phases of our lives are marked by firsts and lasts, but we settle in to the security of the daily routines that make up our weeks, months, and years.  We each develop a rhythm for our normal in-between.  For some, it is a rushed pace, getting everywhere at the last possible minute, while others, at least outwardly, have a steady step-by-step life.  Sure, there are highs and lows, planned and unexpected breaks from the usual, but, for example, we know that a wedding does not make a marriage.  It is what comes before and after that one day, the in-between, that is important. 

This week we were brutally reminded about firsts, in-betweens, and lasts.  As a people we will soon see child and adult coffins symbolizing an end. Some will repeat words that have been said for centuries, words intended to comfort while experiencing a last.   For many, a new normal will contain a deep grief that has yet to arrive amid the busy-ness of the trauma, and families are beginning a yearlong journey of firsts – the first Christmas without, the first birthday date when the person is not there.

I was a kindergartner and had just gotten home from school for lunch when billows of smoke appeared in the sky and panic hit the neighborhood, and by the end of the first part of the story 15 classmates died.  So I know firsthand something about what is going on in Connecticut.   (you can Google Cleveland Hill School fire if you are interested or click here to read some of the gruesome event http://www.talkingproud.us/Culture/CleveHillFire/page84/CleveHillFireAftermath.html ). 

My trauma was in an era when there was no film coverage, no recorded emergency calls to be replayed over and over.  There were no busses of psychologists who rushed to help a community deal with disaster.  We simply put it behind us and never talked about it.  When classes resumed after the fire we did not talk about the part of the building that was rubble, about the smell, about the fact that we doubled up classes, and certainly we did not mention the names of those no longer there.  It was rare for friends who had been at the school to talk about that day.  When they did, it was about facts – we sang “Columbia, the gem of the ocean as we marched into the auditorium” – not about feelings. We know better today.  We know that drama and trauma need to be talked about, and even better, adults have resources on how to help the children as well as themselves process what they are feeling and experiencing.

We have all suffered terrible things during our life of the in-between.  Some of us had theirs played out on a more public stage.  And now it is the holidays, something that presents a challenge to many even without additional external stressors.  What we all have in common regardless of where we are on our journey in the in-between is that we are looking for hope.  Anne Lamott wrote, “Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come.  You wait, and watch, and work: you don’t give up.”  This week as you put one foot in front of the other, as you try to do the right thing, whatever that means for you, may you find hope. When you do, take a minute to share it with a fellow traveler, for remember that for most of our in-betweens we do not need to be alone.

Marilyn