Fight Club

What kind of Fight Club do you belong to?  The kind that runs from controversy and conflict or those who thrive in discord?  What are you willing to fight for or against?  In your most intimate, most important relationships, what happens when there is a disagreement?  Does everyone fight fair or does someone, even you, play dirty?  Who usually wins?

Recently we have seen a small town in Ohio torn apart by a trial involving a young woman who could not fight back.  My godson was jumped as he rode his bike through a new neighborhood.  He didn’t fight back and lost his phone and a part of his innocence. 

Last week a good acquaintance died.  Her circle of friends watched in sorrow as she gave up the fight for her life.  Another dear friend remains in the hospital fighting very hard and working with a team of doctors to figure out what’s wrong.  Other wonderful people wake up every day and struggle with and against depression or the challenges of an aging mind and body.

Headlines inform us about foreign and domestic leaders that seem to be looking for a fight.  While a few skirmishes may be about ideology, most seem to be about power.  Many seem to be part of a game I would call “it’s not so much about proving that I’m right as much as it is about proving that you’re wrong” even though President Obama used the phrase “genuine disagreements” in his weekly address on Saturday. 

As a conflict avoider I belong to the Flight Club.  It bothered me in high school and college when they taught us some self- defense moves.  I didn’t see it as empowering, even after some reported attacks against female students.  With my brother 16 years older than me, I was raised pretty much as an only child, so consequently didn’t learn nursery or sibling conflict techniques on how to stand up for myself.  Add to that the Sunday School ‘turn the other cheek’ message and my upbringing that women deferred to men and I marvel that I ever found my voice.  Those few significant times when I have spoken up, when I initiated a difficult discussion to express my own needs, share my hurt, look for comfort, I’ve had mixed results.  It did not get easier over time and things did not always go smoothly. 

What I really struggle with, however, are the lost opportunities to speak up, to fight, not for myself but for others.  The problem with so many of these situations is that they were surprises – the offhand remark overheard, the racial slur snuck in casual conversation.  My gut reaction is a ‘what? Did I just hear that? How can s/he say that?  And by the time I finish processing my shock, the moment has passed.

Today I have nowhere else to go with this, other than to share other’s thoughts.  I would love to hear yours.

There are three principles in a man’s being and life, the principle of thought, the principle of speech, and the principle of action.  The origin of all conflict between me and my fellow man is that I do not say what I mean and I do not do what I say.  Martin Buber

When times are tough and people are frustrated, and angry, and hurting, and uncertain, the politics of constant conflict may be good, but what is good politics does not necessarily work in the real world.  What works in the real world is cooperation.  Bill Clinton

Man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression, and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love.  Martin Luther King, Jr.

Marilyn