Comma But

“You did a great job mowing the lawn, but you forgot to put away the mower.”

“The data in the report was well thought out, but it was too long.”

“That dress looks terrific on you, but those shoes don’t work.”

There are two kinds of people in the world… those who pay attention to what comes before the comma and those who only hear what comes after.  But wait.  There are really three kinds of people – the kind that will hear whichever part of the message they either expect to hear or need to hear at that particular moment.  If I’m expecting the negative, that’s what I’ll hear; if I really need a pat on the back, that’s what I’ll pay attention to. 

When I lead workshops on supervisory skills we spend a lot of time on giving, asking for, and receiving feedback.  If the participants get only one thing out of those sessions and it is the “try not to use 'comma but' sentences, I am happy.  'Comma but' gives a mixed message.  And yes, as a supervisor or a parent, we need to get both messages across.  Both messages are important.  A different delivery may give us a better shot at knowing that both messages are heard.

'Comma buts' are the easiest sentences and probably what we all have experienced most of our lives and in most aspects of our lives.  With ‘comma buts’ something else is missing.  We are more apt to repeat good behavior when we understand why it is good or when it is put in context.  “I really appreciated I didn’t need to remind you several times to mow the lawn” or “The data you compiled and analyzed were right on target and you put them together to build a very strong case” or “That style is flattering and I’m jealous you can wear that color so well.”

I have found by adding that extra phrase I actually focus on what is most important for that particular interaction and sometimes realize I don’t even want to include the other issue, at least not right then.  If I didn’t have to nag, then leave it at that. Don’t nag about putting away the mower.  Pick my learning moments.  Next time I might say, “Thanks for once again seeing that it was time to mow the lawn and just doing it.  It makes things so much easier when everyone helps do all the jobs that keep our house looking good.  Would you please go do the one last thing by putting the lawn mower back in the garage?  Thanks.”

“I’m concerned that your report is too long and that the boss won’t read it.  You’ve done such a great job compiling and analyzing the data.  You’ve built a very strong case for our team’s recommendation.  Your hard work deserves to be presented.  Is there a way you can rework this so you grab the reader’s attention right away and cover the most critical points up front? Let me know how I can help.”

Ok, what I’ve written may not be reality, but you get the idea.  This is subtle and a skill set that can be learned.  It just takes practice.

This topic came to mind as I’ve been giving a lot more feedback lately, which is a good thing since we don’t usually get enough of it.  However, as I reflected, I recall falling back into the easy ‘comma but’ mode. 

My goal this week is to remember what I’ve spent years training and to follow that other model.  I challenge you to think about how you provide and receive positive and corrective feedback and to consider practicing in a new way, but only if you want to.

Marilyn