Different Kinds of Tears

It is such a secret place, the land of tears.  Antoine de Saint-Exupery.

Do commercials ever get to you, tug at your heartstrings?  There was a Folger’s ad that ran around the holidays. A college kid got out of a car, turned, and entered a house.  Then he was in the kitchen pouring a mug of coffee. Mom stands in the doorway (inference being that she was wakened by the smell of great coffee brewing), and says with surprise and joy, “Peter, you’re home!”   I have no clue why that one always choked me up, but it did.

Can a happy or sad movie ending make you weepy?  Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr at the end of An Affair to Remember (“If it had to happen to one of us, why did it have to be you?”) is a guarantee Kleenex-worthy moment for me.  Perhaps for you it was a scene in Titanic, Gone with the Wind, South Pacific, or Saving Private Ryan. 

What about music?  Our reaction can be soul deep.  I see people dabbing their eyes during How Great Thou Art in church or You’ll Never Walk Alone at a graduation.  I cannot get through the verses of some hymns.  The words get blurry.  Our national anthem, even at a baseball game, can make me teary. 

But beyond all that, beyond the weddings and funerals, in the day to day, what is your crying pattern? Some people cry easily, be they authentic or crocodile tears.  One friend calls herself a sympathetic crier, that is, if someone else is crying she will also cry.  Another friend spent months dealing with grief and sobbed uncontrollably every day.  Crying is part of our humanity.  Parents can differentiate between a child’s angry, hurt, or lonely tears.  Whether it is conditioning (“don’t be a crybaby”), what we are told (“real men don’t cry”), something cultural or deeply personal, it may be a challenge to know our own true crying nature as an adult.  One friend can point to the exact part in his brain where he knows he is crying for something or someone, although his eyes are dry. 

I do not cry.  That is, I do not cry tears.  Not very often.  No one told me that there are different ways to cry.  This was something I came to on my own.  It used to bother me, made me feel different and inadequate because I couldn’t cry actual tears for the realities of life.

No longer.

A story on the evening news can impact me greatly and I will sigh.  That sigh is me crying.  A colleague or friend is suffering and we hug.  That hug includes thoughts that are tears.  I understand the value in a good cry and occasionally long for that type of release, but rarely in my adult life have I benefitted from it.  I now know that for pain and sorrow and even for joy – either mine or of someone dear – when I get very, very still, I am crying.

Whatever your natural release that means tears, I hope that you can welcome and honor them when they are needed.  I have learned to and it makes a difference.  It makes them sacred and sacred things are often best when shared.  American poet Clarissa Pinkola Estes wrote, “I hope you will go out and let stories happen to you, and that you will work them, water them with your blood, tears, and laughter until they bloom, til you yourself burst into bloom.”

Marilyn

July 29, 2013

The Best Intentions

Have you had something you initiated with good intentions turn out bad?  Whether it was supposed to be a helpful project or a loving conversation, I think we’ve all had the heartbreak of unexpected consequences.   A sad fantasy in my father’s dementia was that he thought my mother was having an affair.  One day I decided to see if we could ease his mind and see what was behind the accusation so I asked, “What makes you think that?”  Unfortunately I heard a gasp in the adjoining room.  My mother had overheard and considered even that question another indictment.

I spent some time this weekend ruminating over a recent interaction.  Should I really have said what I said?  What good was I thinking could really come out of sharing my observations?  I thought about sending an email, but what if the other person wasn’t also dwelling on it?  What if they really took it in the manner in which I had hoped?  Why dig it up again?  But what if they, too, have been unable to let it go?  Would a second conversation do more damage or build a bridge?

Here’s hoping that you and I will recognize good intentions when they come our way.  In terms of my concerns, I ended up doing nothing.  So far.  Today I’ll see if I can sense anything different between us.  Meanwhile, I’ll keep musician Ben Harper’s lyrics in mind next time: Life is short and if you’re looking for extension, you had best do well.  ‘Cause there’s good deeds and then there’s good intentions. They are as far apart as heaven and hell.

 Marilyn

BTW, LWTC. OMG! LOL!!

In the days before computers, those of us who worked at AT&T and interfaced with the public had to be able to pick up a customer’s record and understand previous conversations on a particular problem or inquiry.  BTW (by the way) phone calls were not only monitored but manually recorded in a ‘he said/she said’ fashion.  ORLY (oh, really?) you ask.

To be successful at both of those things we were taught a type of shorthand.  I’m SRS (serious).  LWTC meant ‘left word to call’ which indicated that a representative tried to get in touch with the consumer.  Even the language of writing up an order involved cryptic abbreviations.  T&F was a work order for someone who was moving (to & from), I was an installation order and D was disconnect.   We did not know we were a precursor to the electronic age of talking. Some of you may have a SMH (shake my head) response.  LOL (laugh out loud).

OMG (oh my god), DYK (did you know) 92% of the people in the US who participated in a 2011 poll answered ‘yes’ to ‘do you believe in God?’  That was the lowest response since this particular poll started in 1944 when the positive response was 96%.  This most recent poll however added another question, ‘do you believe in a universal spirit?’  With that tweak, the percentage climbs to 98%, with 86% clarifying ‘God’ and 12%, the ‘universal spirit.’  Does this KYSO (knock your socks off)?

IIRC (if I remember correctly) there was a mandate in my confirmation class that we could not say ‘damn’ because, as a shortened version of ‘goddamn’ we would be braking the commandment of ‘no using the name of God, your God, in curses or silly banter.  God won’t put up with the irreverent use of his name.’ (The Message, the Bible in contemporary language, 2006) Now, as a recovering fundamentalist, ICYMI (in case you missed it - see blog post We've All Got Issues of May 13, 2013), it still takes a lot of aggravation for me to swear and my irritation vocabulary is limited.

So, in my lifetime I’ve seen a shift from you can’t even say ‘damn’ to a socially accepted and promoted use of god on twitter by one and all, believers and even non-believers, I imagine.  There is a disconnect here that perplexes me.  In all the fights for social justice and rights and often on both sides of an issue, AFAIK (as far as I know) the church at large has not fought for or spoken out against this shift in language.   Making faith relevant to daily life is the role of the church, but helping define that life is important too.

Over the weekend I saw Legally Blonde, the Musical.  It was a fun evening and the performers did well.  The opening number is "Omigod, You Guys." NBD (no big deal) for some or NCT (nobody cares, though).  Does the common use diminish God’s image or make God more accessible?  Call me a prude, mark me shocked, but IMHO (in my humble opinion) the preponderance of OMG makes me cringe just a little and makes me pause. And muse.  TYT (take your time) to consider the issue and PLMK (please let me know).

Well, CUL8R (see you later).  BR (best regards)

Marilyn

Top 5 Inventions

Last fall it was my job to come up with some mealtime conversation starters for the participants of a weeklong retreat.  The one that generated the most buzz was “What are the top 5 inventions from your lifetime that changed society or impacted your life?”  The ending of the question meant the discussion could be personal or generic depending on how much people wanted to share. 

Technology , including things like the microchip, was number one and cut across all categories such as medicine, business, and even the arts.  There was agreement that some medical advances that helped individuals, such as birth control or little blue pills, also affected societal norms and values.  Some diners wanted to debate whether the impact was positive or negative.  We found it hard to distinguish between invention and what we called ‘the next.’ For example, none of us were around for the first airplane (the invention) but did experience going from propeller to jet engines (the ‘next’).  

Think about any room in your home or the different things you do each day.  It is interesting, and sometimes difficult, to realize all of the initial inventions and all the ‘nexts’ it took to get our lives to what they are.  I have a picture of my folks standing by their Model T and one of my nephew by a race car. 

If today’s generation made this list it would not include indoor plumbing, the transistor, rabbit ears, the refrigerator, or inoculations but might contain something from the latest episode of Shark Tank.  Whether it’s an improved garlic press or going from the printing press to personal printers our lives have adapted to the new and/or improved and we anticipate many more ‘nexts.’  If you are waiting for me to share the results of last year’s dinnertime discussion, you’ll be disappointed for I do not remember.  My job was and still is just to get the conversation or thought process started.  Let me know where today’s musing takes you.

Marilyn

I don't think necessity is the mother of invention.  Invention, in my opinion, arises directly from idleness, possibly also from laziness - to save oneself trouble.
... Agatha Christie

Underwater

What are some of your earliest memories?  I have two flashes of images and feelings of my toddler stage.  One is running (well, toddling) on the grass toward grandma and throwing my arms around her smokestack leg.  My senses are enfolded in sunshine, freedom, love, acceptance, and utter joy.

The other is about a year later.  I’ve escaped the grownups and head toward the lake.  When I try to step off the pier onto a rowboat, the boat of course moves and I fall into the lake.  Uncle Bob scooped me up so I wasn’t underwater for long.  Surprise, shock, fear, and confusion engulf me as he holds me as he always did in a one-armed embrace with me facing away.  In today’s language I would be saying, “What the…?”

Both happenings – the reality, my changing perceptions and interpretations – are part of the foundation of my childhood and who I am today.  Those few seconds in the lake made it difficult for me to pass junior lifesaving as I have an aversion to swimming underwater, although I managed, and a problem with breath control challenged me as a singer.  I overcame the water part somewhat and have snorkeled along the coral reef in Mexico.  The breath control issue, not so much. 

Both images – the freedom and the fear, the uncertainty and the love – pop up in the periphery of my brain and give me insight to a current situation and my reaction to it.  For whatever reason they were pivotal moments that have helped me maneuver the road of my life.  Only now do I realize that it was a blessing to retain the two experiences in my memory and that they represent a balance of good and bad.

Whatever your defining moments were, whether a sibling scared you with a spider or a favorite aunt treated you like royalty, I hope that one of them makes you smile and brings you warmth in the cold and dark place where the monster under the bed still occasionally resides.

Marilyn

Comma But

“You did a great job mowing the lawn, but you forgot to put away the mower.”

“The data in the report was well thought out, but it was too long.”

“That dress looks terrific on you, but those shoes don’t work.”

There are two kinds of people in the world… those who pay attention to what comes before the comma and those who only hear what comes after.  But wait.  There are really three kinds of people – the kind that will hear whichever part of the message they either expect to hear or need to hear at that particular moment.  If I’m expecting the negative, that’s what I’ll hear; if I really need a pat on the back, that’s what I’ll pay attention to. 

When I lead workshops on supervisory skills we spend a lot of time on giving, asking for, and receiving feedback.  If the participants get only one thing out of those sessions and it is the “try not to use 'comma but' sentences, I am happy.  'Comma but' gives a mixed message.  And yes, as a supervisor or a parent, we need to get both messages across.  Both messages are important.  A different delivery may give us a better shot at knowing that both messages are heard.

'Comma buts' are the easiest sentences and probably what we all have experienced most of our lives and in most aspects of our lives.  With ‘comma buts’ something else is missing.  We are more apt to repeat good behavior when we understand why it is good or when it is put in context.  “I really appreciated I didn’t need to remind you several times to mow the lawn” or “The data you compiled and analyzed were right on target and you put them together to build a very strong case” or “That style is flattering and I’m jealous you can wear that color so well.”

I have found by adding that extra phrase I actually focus on what is most important for that particular interaction and sometimes realize I don’t even want to include the other issue, at least not right then.  If I didn’t have to nag, then leave it at that. Don’t nag about putting away the mower.  Pick my learning moments.  Next time I might say, “Thanks for once again seeing that it was time to mow the lawn and just doing it.  It makes things so much easier when everyone helps do all the jobs that keep our house looking good.  Would you please go do the one last thing by putting the lawn mower back in the garage?  Thanks.”

“I’m concerned that your report is too long and that the boss won’t read it.  You’ve done such a great job compiling and analyzing the data.  You’ve built a very strong case for our team’s recommendation.  Your hard work deserves to be presented.  Is there a way you can rework this so you grab the reader’s attention right away and cover the most critical points up front? Let me know how I can help.”

Ok, what I’ve written may not be reality, but you get the idea.  This is subtle and a skill set that can be learned.  It just takes practice.

This topic came to mind as I’ve been giving a lot more feedback lately, which is a good thing since we don’t usually get enough of it.  However, as I reflected, I recall falling back into the easy ‘comma but’ mode. 

My goal this week is to remember what I’ve spent years training and to follow that other model.  I challenge you to think about how you provide and receive positive and corrective feedback and to consider practicing in a new way, but only if you want to.

Marilyn

Will You Be My Guest?

What kind of a host are you?  Do you encourage refrigerator friends – people who are comfortable enough to walk into your kitchen and help themselves?  Do you plan parties that bring together lots people who don’t know each other or do you have smaller more intimate affairs?  What does your place look like at the end of the evening?  I have one friend who just loads up the kitchen counter with all of the dirty dishes and another who by the time guests leave everything has already been washed and put away.  There is no right or wrong, simply a different way of hosting. 

Each Monday I invite you to my place for a very brief conversation.  Most of the time you read what I’ve written, have a private reaction, and move on to your day.  Occasionally people comment publicly, but more often it’s an email to me directly.  Again, there is no right or wrong.  That’s simply the reality for bloggers.  But, I’m sure there are weeks where you’ve said to yourself, ‘good idea she started with but I would have written it this way’ or ‘she really missed the point there.’ 

So how about you do ‘write it that way’ or write about something that’s been floating around in your brain? 

Yes, will you be my guest blogger?  You are welcome anytime.  Khalil Gibran said, “If not for guests all houses would be graves.”  Well, I think the same can become true of blogs. 

If you accept this invitation, it would be up to you whether you identify yourself or simply appear as a ‘guest.’   If you want help with your idea, I’ll help, or am happy to host what you write on your own.  It’s your call.  Should anyone comment or email, I would share those with you.

Why might you want to do this?  Because it’s fun.  Because you’ve been waiting for someone to write about a particular idea and decide you’d like to put on paper yourself.  Because you’ve always thought you could.  Because you’d like to try your hand at it.  Because you are skilled at being a guest.

A Turkish proverb says, “Guests bring good luck with them.”

Please bring me some good luck.

Anytime.

Marilyn