Underwater

What are some of your earliest memories?  I have two flashes of images and feelings of my toddler stage.  One is running (well, toddling) on the grass toward grandma and throwing my arms around her smokestack leg.  My senses are enfolded in sunshine, freedom, love, acceptance, and utter joy.

The other is about a year later.  I’ve escaped the grownups and head toward the lake.  When I try to step off the pier onto a rowboat, the boat of course moves and I fall into the lake.  Uncle Bob scooped me up so I wasn’t underwater for long.  Surprise, shock, fear, and confusion engulf me as he holds me as he always did in a one-armed embrace with me facing away.  In today’s language I would be saying, “What the…?”

Both happenings – the reality, my changing perceptions and interpretations – are part of the foundation of my childhood and who I am today.  Those few seconds in the lake made it difficult for me to pass junior lifesaving as I have an aversion to swimming underwater, although I managed, and a problem with breath control challenged me as a singer.  I overcame the water part somewhat and have snorkeled along the coral reef in Mexico.  The breath control issue, not so much. 

Both images – the freedom and the fear, the uncertainty and the love – pop up in the periphery of my brain and give me insight to a current situation and my reaction to it.  For whatever reason they were pivotal moments that have helped me maneuver the road of my life.  Only now do I realize that it was a blessing to retain the two experiences in my memory and that they represent a balance of good and bad.

Whatever your defining moments were, whether a sibling scared you with a spider or a favorite aunt treated you like royalty, I hope that one of them makes you smile and brings you warmth in the cold and dark place where the monster under the bed still occasionally resides.

Marilyn

Comma But

“You did a great job mowing the lawn, but you forgot to put away the mower.”

“The data in the report was well thought out, but it was too long.”

“That dress looks terrific on you, but those shoes don’t work.”

There are two kinds of people in the world… those who pay attention to what comes before the comma and those who only hear what comes after.  But wait.  There are really three kinds of people – the kind that will hear whichever part of the message they either expect to hear or need to hear at that particular moment.  If I’m expecting the negative, that’s what I’ll hear; if I really need a pat on the back, that’s what I’ll pay attention to. 

When I lead workshops on supervisory skills we spend a lot of time on giving, asking for, and receiving feedback.  If the participants get only one thing out of those sessions and it is the “try not to use 'comma but' sentences, I am happy.  'Comma but' gives a mixed message.  And yes, as a supervisor or a parent, we need to get both messages across.  Both messages are important.  A different delivery may give us a better shot at knowing that both messages are heard.

'Comma buts' are the easiest sentences and probably what we all have experienced most of our lives and in most aspects of our lives.  With ‘comma buts’ something else is missing.  We are more apt to repeat good behavior when we understand why it is good or when it is put in context.  “I really appreciated I didn’t need to remind you several times to mow the lawn” or “The data you compiled and analyzed were right on target and you put them together to build a very strong case” or “That style is flattering and I’m jealous you can wear that color so well.”

I have found by adding that extra phrase I actually focus on what is most important for that particular interaction and sometimes realize I don’t even want to include the other issue, at least not right then.  If I didn’t have to nag, then leave it at that. Don’t nag about putting away the mower.  Pick my learning moments.  Next time I might say, “Thanks for once again seeing that it was time to mow the lawn and just doing it.  It makes things so much easier when everyone helps do all the jobs that keep our house looking good.  Would you please go do the one last thing by putting the lawn mower back in the garage?  Thanks.”

“I’m concerned that your report is too long and that the boss won’t read it.  You’ve done such a great job compiling and analyzing the data.  You’ve built a very strong case for our team’s recommendation.  Your hard work deserves to be presented.  Is there a way you can rework this so you grab the reader’s attention right away and cover the most critical points up front? Let me know how I can help.”

Ok, what I’ve written may not be reality, but you get the idea.  This is subtle and a skill set that can be learned.  It just takes practice.

This topic came to mind as I’ve been giving a lot more feedback lately, which is a good thing since we don’t usually get enough of it.  However, as I reflected, I recall falling back into the easy ‘comma but’ mode. 

My goal this week is to remember what I’ve spent years training and to follow that other model.  I challenge you to think about how you provide and receive positive and corrective feedback and to consider practicing in a new way, but only if you want to.

Marilyn

Will You Be My Guest?

What kind of a host are you?  Do you encourage refrigerator friends – people who are comfortable enough to walk into your kitchen and help themselves?  Do you plan parties that bring together lots people who don’t know each other or do you have smaller more intimate affairs?  What does your place look like at the end of the evening?  I have one friend who just loads up the kitchen counter with all of the dirty dishes and another who by the time guests leave everything has already been washed and put away.  There is no right or wrong, simply a different way of hosting. 

Each Monday I invite you to my place for a very brief conversation.  Most of the time you read what I’ve written, have a private reaction, and move on to your day.  Occasionally people comment publicly, but more often it’s an email to me directly.  Again, there is no right or wrong.  That’s simply the reality for bloggers.  But, I’m sure there are weeks where you’ve said to yourself, ‘good idea she started with but I would have written it this way’ or ‘she really missed the point there.’ 

So how about you do ‘write it that way’ or write about something that’s been floating around in your brain? 

Yes, will you be my guest blogger?  You are welcome anytime.  Khalil Gibran said, “If not for guests all houses would be graves.”  Well, I think the same can become true of blogs. 

If you accept this invitation, it would be up to you whether you identify yourself or simply appear as a ‘guest.’   If you want help with your idea, I’ll help, or am happy to host what you write on your own.  It’s your call.  Should anyone comment or email, I would share those with you.

Why might you want to do this?  Because it’s fun.  Because you’ve been waiting for someone to write about a particular idea and decide you’d like to put on paper yourself.  Because you’ve always thought you could.  Because you’d like to try your hand at it.  Because you are skilled at being a guest.

A Turkish proverb says, “Guests bring good luck with them.”

Please bring me some good luck.

Anytime.

Marilyn

Before You Cross the Street

“Look both ways!” is what parents call out when watching a child venture forth for the first, fortieth, or hundredth time.  When we’re young we reach for a grown up’s or our buddy’s hand.  We cross at the light and pay attention to the crossing guard.

As adults we walk by different rules.  We may still look both ways but cross where we want, daring drivers to think they have the right of way.  Commuters believe they can still make it across the intersection even as the sign counts down 3 – 2 – 1.  When I was in Calgary several years ago and stepped off the curb just as the white “Walk” switched to the flashing orange “Don’t Walk,” a local resident grabbed my arm and pulled me back.  I looked and saw that no one else was starting out and explained that in Chicago we consider the “Don’t” more of a guide than an absolute.  He tut-tut-tutted and rolled his eyes.

We can walk for a cause, pleasure, or exercise.  During a casual evening constitutional, we may stop and talk with a neighbor but will only wave as we power by with arms pumping and an earbud offering a quick beat for our steps.

In some countries looking left and then right is backwards for us and if we don’t look left again we could be in for a surprise.  We have learned to also look down to check for potholes or puddles of water and watch to make sure that someone in a wheelchair or with a cane navigates the concrete ramp without mishap.  Dog owners teach Rover and Lady to sit at the curb before venturing on to the street. 

Sometimes we arrive at a corner and just can’t get across the busy street.  Or, we don’t like the neighborhood and want to turn around and go home.  Or we’re so accustomed to the path we’re on that we take no detours.  This can be true literally or metaphorically. 

It’s nearly halfway through the year.  Is there something you had hoped to accomplish this year but you have yet to start that journey?  Or you started but encountered a roadblock?  Are you content, excited, sufficiently challenged by the road you’ll walk this week?  If not, consider following Dolly Parton’s advice, “If you don’t like the road you’re walking, start paving a new one.”

But continue to look both ways – even crossing a One Way Street.

Marilyn

Words Can Never Hurt Me

The old nursery rhyme, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me” has encouraged children to ignore taunts and avoid physical retaliation for more than 15 decades.  But words can and do hurt.  They also can thrill, ignite, and inspire.  I admit to a lifetime of frustration and fascination with words. 

As much as I like to talk and interact, I’ve never considered myself a great conversationalist because I’ve always thought other people had a better and broader range of vocabulary.  Impressive, fifty cent words roll off the tongues of some people.  It’s not that I don’t know what the word means, I just seem to use more common ones.  Like when someone says ‘prerogative’ I might have said ‘choice.’  Also, I wonder if we don’t keep having new versions of old conversations just in different settings or viewed from a changed perspective so additional or new words aren’t often required.

It’s sad when someone who aspires to be a writer feels inadequate when it comes to words.  Even with a published book and lots of examples of professional writing, this insecurity still haunts me.  So I started keeping a list of words I wish I could fit into a conversation or my writing.  They are not necessarily favorite words, but ones that for whatever reason I like.  In some cases it’s the sound or the meaning. Some words on my list are:

Absinthe	Recreate (transform, not have fun)
Curry (not the spice)	Renegade
Esteem	Ruffle (the verb)
Hackney	Serpentine
Lassie (not the dog) and laddie	Solace
Moribund	Spectacular
Nexus	Swoon
Noble	Taciturn
Oblique	Tuft
Onomatopoeia	Zenith

In the film Amadeus there is a point where the king tells Mozart that one of his compositions has “too many notes.”  Of course Mozart swooned, went into defensive mode explaining that there were as many notes as were necessary.  When I read something that I’ve written either professionally or for this blog and say to myself, ‘too many words,’ I get taciturn and start to edit.  It sometimes hurts to cut sentences, phrases, or words from a piece.  When my editor cut something from one of the reflections in the book, I usually thought it helped make the piece stronger.  Occasionally I felt erased by the removal of some particular wording and that the piece sounded very generic, no longer attributable to me.  I was surprised at how deep the wound was and how much I felt the need to see the paragraph restored.

Perhaps in an area of your life where you’ve experienced some success there is a periodic niggling about some inadequacy.  Don't be ruffled. Take solace in knowing the feeling is common.  Now go out there and be your spectacular self today!

Marilyn