Open and shut

Our lives are full of doors. Other people may open or close some of them for us while often we have to take the initiative ourselves. From relationships to careers to rites of passage, we make decisions whether to turn the knob on real and metaphorical doors all the time. I remember standing in the the doorway to my kindergarten classroom on the first day of school. My mother nudged me forward and once I was inside, I never looked back; many years later she told me that made her very sad. Fast forward to the day my driver's permit was securely housed in my wallet, I was thrilled to finally open the door on the driver's side of the car.

Some doors are part of our collective history. Think of George Wallace blocking the entrance to a school or the prime minister in front of #10 Downing Street. You may be of an age to remember the actress Loretta Young, whose trademark for her 1950s TV show was a dramatic entrance through a French door. Harry Potter and his fellow Gryffindors must know the current password to enter their residence hall and Dorothy and her companions arrived at the door to the Emerald City. Ding Dong meant Avon was calling (as well as the witch is dead) back in the day when Fuller Brush also went door to door.

What have been the most important doors - literal or not - that you have opened or closed in your life? Going off to college? A breakup? Opening a book? Your first home? The emergency room? Just from those questions you can look back and realize doorways you have walked through, doors you have opened, those you walked past, those you slammed shut and those you locked and threw away the key. I'm a fan of Ivan Albright, whose painting style is called magic realism. One of his most famous canvasses is of a door. The title of the work is That Which I Should Have Done I Did Not Do (that which I should have done I did not do). Ah, now, that gets us into opening and shutting doors, whether real or metaphorical.

Marilyn

Front and back door people

There are front door people and back door people. You know what I mean. The friends who use the back door, whether real or metaphorical, are the inner circle of our lives. The back door is the friendlier, don't-mind-mess entrance that we only show to select people. Either door is open to them, day or night, no matter who initiates the visit, or if the hinges need oiling or if the door is stuck from the weather or misuse. 

When I moved from an apartment in Wheaton into Chicago and the first home I owned, I also was shifting from a building complex to a neighborhood. One Saturday, I baked banana bread and, putting some slices on a paper plate, knocked on Ruth and Elaine's back door. They and their extended family had lived in the house right next to mine for more than five decades. I realize now that they were very surprised to see me there. We had certainly chatted over the fence, but this knock on their back door was something new. It was several years into our friendship when one of them asked if coming to the back door with baked goods was the norm in the suburbs. I said that no, I'd not done that with my neighbors down the hallway, it was just something that I associated with houses and was seeking to recreate from my childhood.

Looking back, I see that I went into that relationship assuming back door status. Perhaps that was naive, but it turned out just fine for they became back door people. Some back door friends move away or things change and they shift to more front door status or circumstances turn front door folks into back door relations. There have been a couple of times when I hoped for back door admittance, but the door was slammed in my face or not opened at all.

I've lived in places with just one door, and my last three apartments have had both front and back doors, but only one was easily accessible to friends and neighbors. That's what I have now, and when I hear the doorbell it's because I am expecting someone. Here I get to tell people after they ring the doorbell to open the door and walk out of the elements onto the enclosed front porch. But then there is an action I must take. I have to climb down the stairs and turn the knob to let them in. Then they have to act. They have to walk over the inner threshold. That's like any relationship, whether front or back door types. There are actions that are needed on both sides to keep the connection strong with no barricades. Think about one back door friend who could benefit from any type of knock on the door today and go ahead and knock.

Marilyn

Versus

We live in a versus world. Us versus Them. The 'us' and the 'them' varies depending on geography, age, religion, politics, income, job, education, race, gender, well, things that make us human. Whether it's the Hatfields and the McCoys, the North and the South, the Cubs and the Sox, red and blue states, competition, opposition and a dividing line is part of our culture. 

As social beings we seek out and are a member of many Us's, which, then, by definition, makes us many Thems as well. Some are obvious, some we embrace, some we advertise and some we attempt to hide. We all, in our desperation to not be alone, have made some unwise choices. Whether it was a momentary attraction, passion or need, some relationships create an internal struggle and we end up with an unhealthy Us.  Sometimes an Us shifts and we have to reassess if we still are in alignment or if we suddenly are on the outs and have shifted to a Them. Some Us's last.

The 'us' makes each person part of something, a contributor providing value. Fans in the stands do high fives when a player on their team scores, figuring that their cheering and support led to that point, that run, that touchdown. Robust 'us' groups will acknowledge when someone of the 'them' makes a good play as well. 

Versus helps us stretch and grow. We study to make sure we have all of the facts for our position in a debate or to know when to make a stand. Some Versus themselves become famous, such as Roe or Brown, and shape portions of our society. As I moved up the ranks within AT&T, I went from an employee who was a union member to someone in management. The divide was always there, heightened every three years during contract negotiations. 

You may be wondering where this is headed. Me, too, as I write this. It could end one way or the other. That's the problem with versus. It's an either/or dichotomy when I'm trying to find more 'and' in the world and in my life. At least when we were young we played cops and robbers, cowboys and Indians. To be fair, you had to switch sides. Maybe we wouldn't have such a sense of contentiousness in our Us vs. Them world if we did some role reversals and at least came to understand the other position from a different perspective. One can only hope. Or not.

Marilyn

The paper cuts of life

Paper cuts are the irritants of life. The actual ones are not bad enough for a bandaid. The symbolic ones don't propel you to complain to the manager. But, both kinds often repeat. After a day you think your finger is healing well enough and then you cut into a lemon. You've moved on from what happened at the store until you start telling the story of your poor customer service experience and get mad all over again.

A paper cut is that new random sound coming from the engine of the car that was just in the shop for something else. It's the undelivered paper, the intermittent loss of wifi or cellphone service, the second grader next door learning the violin. I'm sure you've got your own list and that we have some common issues. 

In times of stress my list gets longer. Also, if I've just had one paper cut, another in quick succession gets more of my attention. All of that is normal, I think, and one can usually keep perspective in the normal scheme of things. My problem is that most headlines now seem like a paper cut. As much as I have always enjoyed reading the newspaper (an activity that rarely resulted in a real paper cut) or watching the nightly news, I find that both are full of irritants. Now it doesn't take much to set me off. I was not in a hurry yesterday when I got irritated at the driver in front of me who made space for another car to cut into our line. I made it through the light just fine, took a deep breath and sent a kind thought into the universe for the considerate driver. 

I haven't yet figured out how to remain an informed citizen without the frustration. If you are suffering from the same malady and are looking for a solution, we should talk. Meanwhile, the best I can think is to try to not be a paper cut in someone else's life. Today I'll be intentional about waving a driver to go first. 

Marilyn