Finding more than what was lost

When I was 8 years old, the big gift for me under the Christmas tree was a Timex watch with a dark grey leather band. Sometime that spring the watch went missing. I  retraced my steps and searched my bedroom but to no avail. When I 'fessed up over dinner one night, both my parents gave me 'the look.' You know the one. It's two main elements are disappointment and disapproval.

The loss of an expensive present certainly was an appropriate occasion for the use of this parental tool, but the moment it appeared was a touchtone in my young life. It was the first time my father's features reflected those characteristics I was so accustomed to seeing on my mother's face. By then I had realized that my mother was an unhappy person. It was decades before I made peace with the fact that while I know she loved me as best she could, her love was not unconditional, and as hard as I tried, her disappointment and disapproval were an underlying factor in our relationship.

But my dad was another story. My 8 year old self suddenly saw that my dad also had limits for his love and I had reached it. I had lost more than my watch. I'd lost some of his love and respect.

Several months later, during which time I'm sure my mother also searched my room, I found the watch in a purse that was hanging on a hook in my closet. I don't remember why I hadn't looked in or used that purse. What I do remember is the elation at finding what I'd lost and at thinking I could now get back that portion of my dad's love. When I ran downstairs shouting "I found my watch!" his response was, "Well, at least you're not as irresponsible as we thought."

I had my watch, but my feeling of acceptance and place within the family, diminished with the loss of the watch, was not restored with its reappearance. In the scheme of things, when an otherwise responsible child loses a material item, it should not ultimately be a big deal. It should, however, be noticed when a child is feeling like an outsider, having to earn their way back in to love.

From that point on I was cautious and careful not just with things, but with feelings. My 8 year old self could not have articulated what the passing years helped me understand. Something more than a watch and love had been lost. I lost some innocence and a piece of my security. But something was also gained. I took my first steps in learning to rely on myself more than on others. A pretty good lesson put into action while wearing a pretty cool (for the time) watch.

Marilyn