There is a fine line between talking and gossiping. We can share information we know about someone in a caring manner or we can delight in the telling of a juicy story that presents a colleague in a bad light. Along that spectrum of conversations are words such as chit chat, rumor, scandal, hearsay, backbiting, tattling, evil tongue, grapevine, dishing, secrets and small talk. Behind those words are emotions such as fear and anger, love and concern and motivators such as the need to belong. Consequences of those words can be reputations, judgements and exculsion.
Gossip is defined as idle chat about the personal or private affairs of others. Does that mean every time we talk about someone else we are gossiping? Is it all in the approach or in the intent? Is it the responsibility of the teller to determine if this is a healthy and helpful conversation or is the listener an equal partner in defining the tone and the outcome?
The origin of the word comes from centuries ago when giving birth involved the women of the village surrounding the one in labor, and, having many hours in which to talk, talking is what they did. I guess the implication is that the women who were unable to be present got dished. "Can you believe that Myrtle isn't here?" (No matter that she gave birth just last week or her husband was killed in a raid on a neighboring town or her six children are all under age 8 or their cow just died.) I'm sure each woman had a turn at missing a birth, so they probably would have agreed with Will Rogers who said that the only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.
If a car arrived in the driveway of the house across the street, my mother was at the window to see who came calling. Was that a concern for safety or nosiness? Was the litany of who was, who wasn't in church, what they were wearing or who said what that was part of our Sunday dinner, simply typical family small talk, all innocent and normal, or did it encompass something darker? I have one friend who considers most mentions of other people gossip. From how she approaches this, I gather that any discussion of outsiders in her large family must have been considered bad, so boy, would they have been uncomfortable in my house!
We all want to belong. It's human nature - for that matter, in much of the animal kingdom as well - to do what we can to feel included. And, if that means tattling to feel superior, if that means breaking a trust, if that means not speaking up, well, we've all done it. "What was she thinking?" two women might look at one another and say as a good friend walks away in ill-fitting and unflattering attire. In the South, one would add, "Bless her heart." One employee might casually say, "We need to have the meeting at 10am because Jim needs to be there and he is always late." Such a statement can put one employee down and create complicity when everyone else nods.
There is now an entire industry devoted to this element of human nature. Just google the word gossip and see what comes up. It didn't start with yellow journalism which may have evolved from the gossip column in mainstream newspapers that legitimized our wanting to be in the know about the lives of celebrities. Perhaps it started with Eve when she tried to wheedle her way out of being on the hot seat, or when leaves and animal skins started the options of fashion. Today the internet and 24/7 news has moved and muddied that fine line that has always been present, just shifting in different cultures and eras.
I struggle with all of this. I think part of it comes from growing up in a family with secrets and from being the only child in the house. Not have siblings my age to gossip with and share secrets with meant I could only do that with friends. Today I have one set of friends with whom I actually draw an imaginary sign across my chest and say 'gossip' when sharing some news of the 'did you know' variety, so at least I'm self aware. Barbara Walters said "Show me someone who isn't interested in gossip and I'll show you someone who isn't interested in people." I guess some of us are more interested than others.
Maarilyn
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