Used to be

No matter what age you are, my guess is you could create a list of “used to be’s.” It could be something you used to be good at or how things in your life once were. The list would be a reminder that some things are now better than they used to be and some things are, well, different. I’ll bet we all used to be better at hopscotch than we are today.

I used to be a pianist. My reputation, that is, what was associated with me through my high school days, was tied up with music. Three moves ago I gave my piano to a local park district, and while I’ve tried electronic keyboards, the feel is not how it used to be and the easy skill of sight-reading and the confidence that fingers will land on the right keys is gone.

Here is something I’ve never shared with anyone. I used to be a good matchmaker, at least in my mind. I could picture friends and acquaintances together and was always gratified when they started dating, even though I had nothing to do with it.

I used to be able to sit on the floor for hours and was able to remember people’s names. While never big on sports or getting sweaty, I used to be a decent softball pitcher and croquet player. I remember vacations where we did a major thing in the morning, like a museum or botanic garden, and one in the afternoon before a fun evening at a local restaurant. Every day for a week or two or three. That was before I learned I needed downtime.

Through high school, my outlook was fairly black and white, based on my religious convictions. I was self-righteous and sure. That was before college where I discovered the world of grey. While my early life made decisions easier, once I saw the subtleties of society and faced moral issues personally, my world is now deeper, broader and more meaningful. I believe I’ve done well at comfortably melding some of those beliefs I once held with what I see and experience as reality today.

During summer vacation kids used to take off on their bicycles and be gone and safe all day. Oranges used to be more orange-y and apples sometimes had worms when you bit into them. TVs had rabbit ears and castor oil was a panacea for what ailed you. People dressed up for church, women suffering in girdles and hose and men in jackets and ties. Discrimination was accepted and was both out in the open with ‘whites only’ signs as well as hidden in code, such as who could or could not hold certain jobs based on some unwritten norm. Things like daily hot showers and computers that once were a luxury are now a necessity, even though there are parts of the world where women still walk miles for water and there remains a digital divide.

Many of our used-to-be’s reflect relationships – daughter, father, wife, and some of those relationships are gone. Others are descriptions – skinny, tall, blonde,or indicate skills or passions such as jogger or good cook. They all contributed to our identity and self-concept. With the loss of some there is grief, and with the loss of all there is the potential for growth. We can reframe. I have the tape that I made for my audition to the Conservatory of Music at Wheaton College and can hear my 16 year old self introducing the first movement to Beethoven’s Sonata Pathetique among other classical pieces. It’s a good reminder of the talent I once had. It is my hope that whatever retirement place I end up at has a community piano. I’ll enjoy playing while my contemporaries sing along to oldies but goodies and won’t mind the wrong notes nearly as much as I once would have.

Marilyn