I have been dismayed - isn't that an interesting word that one doesn't hear much, in fact, I wonder the last time I used it myself....hmmm I also wonder the actual definition. Excuse me while I look up the word which turns out to mean to dishearten thoroughly, perturb, alarm or surprise in such as manner as to disillusion. So, as I was saying, I have been dismayed to discover (another 'dis' word. Should I use two 'dis' words so close together? Leave it for now and keep writing.) that someone has been lying to me.
Is is really a lie if they believe in their illusion that it is the truth or a semi-truth or what they think I need to hear? Is placating a lie or merely a tactic? No, this lie was deliberate and to my face. Yes, to my face, so that even as it was happening part of my brain was so surprised (hence, 'dismay - see above) that my head pulled back or raised a bit and I'm sure my eyes widened, while something in another part of me shifted and my relationship with that person will never be the same. Note to self: I've written before about internal shifts. Maybe I should revisit that as a theme.
Why do I assume that people mean what they say, will follow through, have other's interests at heart? Well, I don't want to to have a different or negative outlook, but it sure means a lot of disappointment (oops, another 'dis'). I know that in dealing with disappointments I head off on tangents, which, I suppose, explains at least a reason for these ramblings. I have to look at all angles and see what clues I might have missed and thereby prevented the dismay.
Some weeks this is how I eventually get to a few paragraphs that ultimately get pasted together to create a Monday musing. My fingers go from one tangent to another, occasionally in different directions from my brain, until at some point a kernel takes root (or does whatever it is a kernel does, well more like becomes sticky and other kernels get attached to it). Wonder if anyone who has read this far has a similar experience and utilizes a stream of consciousness tool to get from one place to the next emotionally or rationally. Probably so, and maybe someone will even let me know.
Marilyn
Standing on an el platform in winter waiting for a delayed train I remember thinking,
Thanks for letting this flow. I enjoyed it very much.Interesting that it follows "The Patron State of DISappointment. I'd like to hear about the lie to your face, if you can share it. I wonder how people do it unless they believe their invention, as you suggest.
ReplyDelete